The Boy Who Lived: A Harry Potter Commentary

   I've been a fan of Harry Potter for quite some time now, ever since 2001 to be exact, just before The Sorcerer's Stone released in theaters. It had been a dream come true for me at the time; I was halfway through the book when I heard there was going to be a movie adaptation, so needless to stay I was beyond stoked. When I finally saw the movie for the fourth time on the big screen, I knew this was something special and thus my fascination for the wizarding world of Harry Potter blossomed.
 
   Up until 2007 I was still celebrating anything Potter; the seventh book was releasing, a theme park was in the works and The Order of the Phoenix was on the big screen at last! But even more so than the ones before it, I was troubled by the "adaptation" and why so much content was left out. I should add that in the previous films there certainly was missing content from the books, but aside from the consistent absence of Peeves nothing at all had bothered me; the films were epic, emotional, and daring just as their magical foundations had hinted they would. But for some reason, Phoenix was the first movie that left a bad taste in my mouth that I couldn't quite explain: it was the first Harry Potter content that I could remember christening "bad".

   I was relieved when most other fans seemed to agree with me because, ladies and gentlemen, I take great pride in "taste"; I like actually watching a movie, game or book and analyzing its quality, especially in an era like this where creativity is not an outlet but a product (hence every conceited commercial for every pan-shittingly retarded, slow-mo testosterone-fest that is this generation's sci-fi (or should I say "Sy-Fy"?) genre, or even worse...*gulp*...ACTION MOVIES. But now you've gotten me off-track and ranting about films that suck...so where was I?...oh yeah, a movie/film series that doesn't suck!

   Most of the world was more than willing to forget about the questionable motives of Phoenix, like the awkward guy that shows up to your open house party although no one knows who he is. But let's face it, the star of the show back then wasn't Phoenix: it was the release of The Deathly Hallows, the final book in the Harry Potter series, that was garnering the world's attention. The book was received generally well and I myself thought that there was no other way to end the series; it was indeed a well done book. But with the books done, the movies needed to step up their game a bit if they wanted to stay relevant, and step up they did!

   The Half Blood Prince was the best film since The Prisoner of Azkaban, easily standing in at the top of the films, as even J.K. Rowling herself had called it her favorite movie yet. It was a fantastic visual heap of dark drama, and though I had again taken offense at the missing content, Prince began to show audiences that the films were capable of taking different paths than the books but could still arrive at the same celebrated ending. Increasingly excited, I began to mentally prep myself for the end of the series and the ending of one of the greatest stories of my childhood.

   However, strange things were about. I had found out that the film was going to be filmed in two parts, and while that fact initially hadn't bothered me I began to question the quality of the films. Was the ending not ready? Did Daniel Radcliff need more time to show his audience perfection? And then I knew what was going on. Harry Potter had become a product.
   To this day, I still have a seething rage for whatever fucktard decided that would be a great idea. I know they'll rant on and on for as long as they like about things that don't matter to them like "quality" and "audience reception" when we all know it was all about money. Maybe that was one major reason why my thoughts about Deathly Hallows: Part One were as bad as they were.

   Part One was an inexcusable heresy, motivated to conquer and destroy all of which had made the previous Harry Potter films great, and I still have a hard time coping with the favorable reviews it received. Wake up, people! A more appropriate title for this movie would have been Harry Potter and the Kids Go Camping and Deal with Teenage Angst Instead of Actually Doing Something Useful. If I see one more goddamn camping seen in the next movie, I am walking out of the theater. It's my $8, and I'll do with it whatever the hell I want with it.
 
   Don't even get me started on the pacing, because....ohp, too late. This movie feels like a halfway-processed  abortion they just didn't have the heart to finish the job for. In action scenes, the plot and characters move so outrageously fast they resemble Husain Bolt on crack cocaine and wizz through pivotal emotional scenes like the deaths of Hedwig and Dobby so quickly that you don't have any time to feel sympathy for them or their loved ones, but then the film stops to a time-bending halt as the setting attempts to catch its breath and show you something that wasn't designated by the producers, who are obviously fifth graders. Watching molasses drip in slow motion is more interesting at this point, while the crew looks out off into the distance heroically or the camera pans around the major cast members actually doing nothing. Nothing ruined this franchise quite as much as dividing the finale into two parts because it completely breaks the storytelling into pieces.

   And DOBBY! I don't know who thought anything was wrong with Dobby, but good thing he died because if they fashioned any design that was possibly more grotesque than the Hallows version I would immediately jump through the screen and diagnose Dobby with down syndrome. Yes, audiences loved how the house elf looked in Chamber of Secrets. No, changing a winning formula doesn't usually end in success. 

   But for all of its shortcomings and the viewers' blindness to anything at all corrupt with this film, I will at least give props to the crew because they did their jobs pretty damn well. The acting is fantastic, especially in the talents of the trio of Harry, Ron and Hermione, the soundtrack and audio is fantastic and the cinematography is pretty fantastic. In many regards, the movie could have come close to perfection if the film wasn't forced to slow down and add in abrupt filler for the next part. I'm in a bit of a Chinese finger trap as of now, because it's hard to praise Part One for being a cheap cash-in by the dunderheads at Warner Brothers and ruining the first half of Hallows. But it's equally hard for me to call quits on it yet, because it is, as earlier stated, "the first half" of a movie. So as an "episode" of Harry Potter, if you will, I'll throw it in the trash like a dumpster baby on prom night for snapping the necks of anything the plot and sympathy moments had hoped to accomplish, but as a full finale I won't pin too much blame on Part One.

   Starting today, I'm going to start rereading and re-watching all of the Potter films and books to date to prepare myself for the finale. I'm not giving up hope now, as any true fan would do the same. Harry Potter is more than a character, he is the catalyst of an epic journey, one that sweeps through the trials of life and death, love and solitude, adventure and resignation. At the end of the day, it's whether or not the film can find the magic of its predecessors. It's about the dream, and no matter what I will watch that movie until the credits roll hoping for it to come true.

My Hopes for Mass Effect 3

I've been a fan of the Mass Effect series for quite some time now. Arriving late to the party (as usual), I originally stumbled across the original in the summer of 2010 while my family searched for new video cards. I'd heard wonderful things about the supposed RPG-successor to Star Wars and with free DLC included and a good old "Platinum Hits" logo streaking across the cover I thought, "Why the hell not?" and bought the sucker.

Best $20 I've ever spent.

Now, as the trials and tribulations of Commander Samuel Shepard begin to come to a close, it's time to see if Bioware can live up to the intense expectations their final entry to the Mass Effect trilogy is receiving. Will the story suck? Will gameplay return to the RPG-cladden style of old? Will Garrus continue to kick the asses of those foolish enough to fuck with him?

I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, my Mass Effect 3 Wishlist!

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#1: Improved Planetary Interactions

Plenty of people don't give Mass Effect games perfect scores because of the god-awful interactions with other worldly destination. In the original Mass Effect, we were introduced to the Mako vehicle sections, which were fun at first but ultimately broke under the pure weight of repetition. Rather than fix the problem, Bioware opted out of improving the formula and gave us...dare I say it?......SCANNING.

This aborted fetus of a minigame is laughable at best and damn near game-breaking at worst; at least if you didn't like the Mako sections in Mass Effect, they were relatively easy to skip as long as you stuck to Citadel or storyline missions (though a few were mandatory). In Mass Effect 2, their crippling excuse for planet interaction revolves around the atrocious "planet scanning", which requires you to look at graphs, launching probes to collect minerals used for essential storyline progression that ultimately decides the lives of several of your crew mates. Audiences hated these mini games as well, but at least in Mass Effect you were actually playing the game and continued to be immersed in the game world.

This should be one of Bioware's top goals: Make resource gathering in an intelligent system that doesn't suck. Very broad for a goal, I know, but ANY change at all would drastically affect gameplay.

#2: Return the Gameplay to a More RPG-like Feel

Mass Effect 2 is a beautiful and riveting game from beginning to end, perfect in almost every way: character development, storyline, player interaction, the list goes on and on. However, like many other gamers I couldn't help but groan a little at the gameplay design; if I wanted to play a third-person shooter based around cover and worthless AI I'd play Gears of War 2. However, this is Bioware and they stopped the game from reaching excessive "brotastic" heights by including actual depth to the combat, with fantastic level design and distinctive weapon variety.

But that seriously will not work for a third installment.

I know Mass Effect has always been a series renowned for breaking the limits of a genre, but it would be great if the game could return to the more RPG-like playability of its father game. Even if it's something small, please let us know that we'll see SOMETHING that doesn't involve extra blood and more bullets. If Bioware would directly ask me what I wanted, I would beg to see experience as a result of combat (instead of combat seeming like a simple diversion from the leveling experience, make it a part of it!), an increased level cap and a more fundamentally non-retarded  shop system.

These are small additions, but I would really like seeing this facets return to the hallowed story Bioware has crafted.

#3: An Ending That Doesn't Leave Room for Sequels (sort of)

As most of you readers probably know, Mass Effect was planned from the beginning as an epic space opera trilogy, giving clear explanation to the "Shepard looks off into the distance, striving forward majestically with blazing orchestra in his wake" endings we've come to expect from this franchise.

Yeah, that needs to end.

I don't have a problem with the endings of the past few games, but Mass Effect 3 needs to change this formula. Shepard needs a full, clear ending with all of the plot details wrapped up neatly a la-Dragon Age: Origins. The character needs to die, retire, or find a happy ending surrounded by their spouse and children, not leave room for future elaboration in the inevitable sequels (this IS Electronic Arts we're dealing with, people). I don't have any problems with more games committed to the Mass Effect universe by any means, especially considering how expansive and lifelike they've made the universe and its inhabitants. Would an MMO work? Absolutely, provided they give clear explanation as to why the universe doesn't revolve around your avatar. Would prequels work? DEFINITELY. Who wouldn't want to pay money to experience the geth uprising, Prothean extermination or even-*gasp!*-play in the Rachni Wars or Krogan Rebellions! There is plenty of extra content to milk from this galaxy and Bioware knows this, but please please please, let's keep those financial prospects away from a game series nearing its fifth and final year of storytelling.

I want to see characters die, bonds break, catharses to be reached and love to bloom in a final act of this expansive space opera, most notably in the death aspect. Not exactly in the sadistic sense, but choices like the Virmire squad decision actually had me staring at the screen for several minutes as I choose the difference between life and death: bring that back. Make me choose whether I should save Tali or Mordin from a gruesome fate, make me grasp Grunt's fallen body and shed tears for his loyalty and energy, make me feel complete pain  when a squad mate dies and pure joy when a comrade succeeds. This is the ending of MASS EFFECT: the stories of many of gaming's most beloved characters are coming to an end, and regardless of whether they end in death, romance, sacrifice or true happiness, don't hold any stops back. Finish like you started, Bioware; FOR THE ALLIANCE!

Oh Hey There!

Back in 2009, I had the audacity to think that I could actually create and maintain a blog that would reel in thousands if not hundreds of thousands of readers daily. They would link together simultaneously to view the spectacular comments I would write day after day, dancing around a fire as they sang, "Huzzah!" to one celebrated post after another. Eventually my reeling fanbase would promote me to prestigious heights, enough to retire in a beautiful summer home next to my best friend Bill Gates, smoking cigars and fondling our gorgeous, big-breasted wives in a gleaming sunset.

Needless to say, that didn't happen. I'm still poor, still nerdy and still have way too much time on my hands.

Therefore, after scrapping the original blog [Editor's Note: forgetting how to sign in], I created this brand new blog dedicated to my commentary on music, movies, games, current events, whatever I damn well feel like posting about. Strap in and enjoy the ride, kiddies; unleash the rage!